TRIED TO GET HIGH

Last night I tried to get high
Off drugs, off men, off booze..the only thing that had any effect was the drink
I felt like shit this morning
and that black hole I had been trying to fill with stimulants, alcohol and men who will
love my body and not my mind
was still ever present.
Like a hanged man in front of me
Threatening to spill over in an outpouring of emotion
I feel the beginning of tears..
I hold back.
But I can't hold back the tide of this lonliness
I want to break something
I want to scream
I want to love
I WANT TO LOVE
Not from a distance
But up close and personal...in your face
I want to love
I want you to wipe my tears when I cry
Hold my hand when I'm scared
laugh with me
build with me
grow with me.
Why does this connection seam to evade me
A new born baby will die if it doesn't recieve love.....
I feel like I'm dying...drowning in my overflow
Rescue me.
How can I tell anyone I feel like this
That this absence of someone to love is killing me
that I don't want to be alone
make all my decisions alone
travel alone
grow alone
I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE
I've always been alone.
Maybe it's me
Maybe...I have a defect
RETURN TO THE MANUFACTURER
Except .......he says that he loves me just the way I am
DEFECTS AND ALL.
I don't have the right words to express the crushing I feel
my heart hurts.
Last night I tried to get high
cocaine, champagne and men...normally a winning combination
But even in the midst of a crowd....bullshit pumping through my viens...and reaching over for a Dom P top up..
I felt exquisitley alone.
As I said ...last night.....I TRIED to get high.